Wednesday, May 15, 2013

I need something more...

If you've been checking back, waiting for an update on how The Biggest Loser is going at my gym... I'm sorry that this will not be the post you're hoping to find!  I should have written after my first weigh in.  When I weighed in after the first week, I was down ELEVEN (yes 11!) pounds.  WHAT!?  I was so stinkin' excited.  Just LAST Sunday (a mere 10 days ago) I weighed in at my lowest weight ever, and posted all over facebook about how I was finally out of the "obese" BMI.  But then, just as quickly as my fire was lit a few weeks ago, it went out again.  I slacked off.  I started snacking again, and quite frankly, not caring while in the midst of it.  What in the world?  

Last week when I weighed in at the gym, I was up 3 pounds.  I know that's still 8 pounds in 2 weeks, which is great, but I also know that my heart has not been where it needs to be.  You see, this challenge in not merely about losing weight for me.  It's also about eating, exercising, and living with a heart that is focused on Christ.  When I'm sneaking snacks from every human eye, I know Christ sees me, and what breaks my heart now is that in those moments I just don't care.  *Gulp* Yes, I just admitted that on the internet.  My heart is a dirty mess people.  I saw some friends last night who hadn't seen me in a long time, and I am so very thankful for their encouragement... it helped me get up this morning and get to the gym.  It's helping me go back this evening for another round!  However, it was also very convicting because these people were complimenting me, and that felt good... but I knew I was not reaching my real goal of living with a pure heart in everything I do.  Colossians 3:23-24 says, "Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward.  You are serving the Lord Christ." 

So, what will I do now?  MY natural instinct is to give myself a pep talk. "You got this, Bonnie. Get back to that gym and run 5 more miles.  Put down that jar of peanut butter.  You're worth more than this! You got this!"  Truth is, friends... I don't got this.  Not on my own.  I need Jesus more than ever, and for that, I ask you to pray for me!  Pray that I will stay focused on Him and not a number.  Yes, the number should still be going down... I am trying to lose weight, but the number is not everything.  Pray that I will learn to maintain focus!

I can't help but think of Paul, when he wrote in Romans about knowing what he should do and yet lacking the power to do it.  I feel like a little Paulette right now, so I'll leave you with his words (in the style of The Message)...

Romans 7: 17-25

17 But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! 18 I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. 19 I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. 20 My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time. 21 It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. 22 I truly delight in God's commands, 23 but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.24 I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question? 25 The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.

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